Dear Kurt

Nirvana - Drain You

Dear Kurt,

I just want you to know that I saw him again.

Those eyes. I can't even think of an adjective to describe them properly. You have no idea just how beautiful they are.

How on earth can someone ever deny someone like him? And how can someone like him think he's not worth it?And, how can someone like me even consider being worth for someone like him? See where my thoughts are going? I must be insane, Kurt.

I just didn't know how to act. I asked him the same think twice. And then I left. I don't even remember if I said goodbye. I can't stop thinking whether I seemed weird or something. My hair was a mess. But I smiled. I was happy.

He's so high above me, so lovely. So different. And that's so good. But what could a girl like me have to offer? And again, thinking about the possibility. What possibility? I hardly know him. I've seen him three times. Three times. Those eyes. And that smile. I felt so happy to see his smile. Even if he was not feeling well, he smiled.

This has no rational explanation. But this feels so right. And so wrong.

And now, again... I don't know how I feel. Why, Kurt, why can't I control these things? As if something would ever happen... I have to stop making scenarios. I know where I belong. I know there's no chance. But then, I keep imagining what that could be like.

I don't think this will make sense, but I have to tell you because that's the only way to make it clear in my mind. I've never felt something so strong for someone I hardly know, like this. But if you'd ask me "do you think it's love?" I'd say "I think it's something bigger. If there's anything bigger than love, it's this. A deep connection.

We talked today and it is asking for too much in a day, but... I wish he said something more tonight.

«Peace, love, empathy.»

Dear Kurt,

Today it was her birthday. I feel happy with myself for finally accepting things. Of course, it's difficult and there are specific dates when things are just harder, but now I know it was her time. I accept it. I finally accepted it.

There was a time I was too angry about all this. It was the first time I lost someone really closed to me, this way. There's a song, from Pearl Jam, that describes a lot what happened that night. «Now she's gone, even though I hold her tight, I lost my love, my life that night.» But now that I can think about it, having my emotions better controlled, I understand it happened the best way it could. No suffering, no loneliness. As she always wanted.

There are a lot of memories related to her I'll never forget. She was always here.

I remember she was always telling me about how full of life I was as kid. Always running away, always breaking stuff, hiding myself in the cupboards... I remember of how I always waited, every time I visited her, for 7 o' clock pm to come to leave. I'd always wanted to make sure I would only leave when her favorite TV show started - so that she was not alone.

I remember those mornings when I picked up some stories and visited her. She was very patient. Always, even in those moments when I dressed her clothes, laughing uncontrollably.

I can clearly recall memories of me watering her plants and how she loved her favorite flowers, which I offered her in her birthday last year, and how she always let me draw in her wall.

Sooner, in the recent months before she passed away, I can feel as if it was happening now, the way she acted when we talked about boys. She really wanted me to have a boyfriend. Also, when I told her I was going to a different school, she showed me she cared.

It's a really awkward feeling to know that today, differently from every year I can remember of, my mother didn't made a birthday cake, and after dinner, we didn't go to her home. All together. My parents, my sister, my grandparents, my aunt, my cousins. She always looked as if she wasn't expecting our visit, but she always knew we would go. Every year.

I guess it's good for me to talk about this without crying anymore. It is a relief to finally recall all these memories about her peacefully. Maybe it's true what they say about time. It actually heals some bruises. There's, of course, a feeling of pain sometimes, too much associated with missing. But it is okay. And normal. And things will get better. In time.

«Peace, love, empathy.»

Dear Kurt,

As I told you yesterday, I feel things are getting bad again. And this is not what I want. So, as a sudden thought came, I decided I had to make a few changes. Some temporary, some others to maintain as long as I can. I don't really know why this is happening again. I know somethings are highly contributing to this state of mind and those are where I'm going to start operating a change.

I can't concentrate in studying. But I know this is not because I'm careless about school. It's because of this feelings I've been having. I won't force it, though. I'll try to make things better, to feel better and so, maybe, I'll get my motivation back.

I made a list. You know I have this huge need to make lists, to write things down. I don't know, it just seems like some kind of commitment. You know what words mean to me.

So, here it is:

Temporarily avoid social networks to increase connection with people in real life.
Listen to music is a good therapy. But it won't help me if I use it to avoid contact with people.
Be selective towards the music I listen. Good musics don't have to necessarily talk about sadness and drama.
Don't romanticize sadness and dumbness. There may be beauty in sadness, but there's beauty in many other things too.
Exercise. Running more than I do.
Say no when it's no and yes when it's yes.
Don't lie. Even if I don't feel like saying it. Speak my mind.
Going outside more often. I have a private garden that allows me to feel comfortable and appreciate nature.
Photography. Interesting things can be found if we pay enough attention.
Avoid complaining as much as I can.
Smile more to people. Even if I'm not in a good mood. Just smile.
Treat people as they deserve to be treated, not as my mood makes me want to.
Meditate more. As my instructor told me, those who know the true way have the responsibility to make use of it.
Take care of myself. Don't allow me to feel uncomfortable if I can choose not to.
Set priorities. For real. This is what I should work harder on.
Don't take this all too seriously. It's okay if I fail to attempt some of these things. There's no obligation. Just the need to try.

Thank you, Kurt. As always.

«Peace, love, empathy.»

Dear Kurt,

Things are getting worst. Again. These days have been all the same. The same feeling, the same thoughts. I don't know. I haven't felt so into deep for months. Maybe since... you know, September. I've had my though times since then, but nothing compares to this. All the effort I've been making... gone to waste. I can't even concentrate on studying anymore. All because of... you know - this.

I really have a lot to tell you, but I can't put it all into words. My mind has been such a confusing place to be in... you understand this, somehow. It's that particular thought that is not letting me breathe properly. It completely paralyses me. My sanity is really scarce now.

How, I ask. How? I feel so sad.

I choose some lyrics from your songs, since I know you'll understand more than anyone what I mean. It's just that I can't say much using my own words.

"We could plant a house, we could build a tree. I don't even care, we could have all three."

Breed

In the last few days, this has been stuck in my mind. We could in fact have all three. We could. Plant a house, build a tree. The paradox. It's exactly what it is.

"Come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be."

Come as you are

As you are would be enough for me.

"One baby to another says, I'm lucky I've met you. I don't care what you think unless it is about me."

Drain you

I guess there's nothing else to add.

"I know it's wrong, so what should I do?"

On a plain

I feel like I've never made less sense than now.

What the hell am I trying to say?

On a plain

It speaks for itself.

I'm sorry for the mess.

«Peace, love, empathy.»

Dear Kurt,

This letter's style is not what you're used to receive from me. However, there are some thoughts I really need to put into words. I'll try my best to explain myself.

Today I went planting potatoes with my parents and my grandfather. As I was doing what I was asked, I started thinking about the mechanism of planting it and, as odd as randomness will allow it to be, I saw some kind of connection between it and life itself.

This is the machine used to plant potatoes:

All it requires is to put one piece of potato in each space. Then the blue engine spins around and each piece falls in the whole directly to the ground. Easy, you see? How can this illustrate life? Well, this may not make sense, but to me it seemed plausible.

It's the driver of the tractor that makes the engine go around. And we are the ones who put the potatoes. You see, we can see this metaphor starting. Imagine this machine as a life. This circle. We are the ones in charge of our life and the rule is to keep moving. To keep adding our potatoe. Always. Til the end. Stopping is not an option. However we can only move because someone interacts with us. The driver represents everyone we find support in.

The ideal is to put only a potato in each space. If you put two or more, they will fall in the same place and won't have enough space to grow. But there are sometimes when we, for mistake, put more than a potato in each space. This represent our life mistakes. I guess you're thinking the obvious option is to take the potato out before it falls. Well, but this blue engine that goes round can cut your fingers as it spins fast.

And here I found another similarity with life. When we make a mistake we have two options: to let it be, and so the extra potato drops and in that space they won't grow or you try to take the potato out, facing the risk. If you decide to take the risk, the consequences may be to solve the problem by succeeding in life, represented by taking the extra potato, or to get hurt by trying to take it out, and this is when you fail in life at solving some problem.

I faced some other case. There was a circumstance in which I tried to take the potato. And I got a bit hurt in a nail. I hadn't any cut. It was just a brief pain. In life, I think these are those moments when we try hard enough and still we can't succeed. This hurt nail represent the usual signs life gives us telling us it's better to let go for the simple reason that it's not worth the pain it's causing.

When trying to remove the extra potato there was still another case I found myself going through. There was a moment when I was carefully trying to remove a potato and, when I realized, there were to many empty spaces almost close to the whole that I just couldn't speed up to fill. This represents those situations in life when we don't understand what is priority and what is secondary. When this happens, we end up causing more damage than it would had turned out to be, just because we were paying attention to the wrong spaces to fill.

Finally, when we run out of potatoes it means that our job is done. Then the faithful farmer waits for it's culture to grow. There's a cycle that ended. It's time to start a new one. The same happens with us, humans. When we run out of potatoes, we run out of life. It's time for this cycle to end. All we can hope is that the potatoes we planted through life were worth it. And so the cycle ends. An a new one starts. I don't believe in resurrection. But I believe that we are energy. When we die, we turn into another form of energy. That's the beginning of our new cycle.

And that's it, Kurt. For as weird as it seem of me to think about this by looking to a planting machine, I guess it made a lot of sense to me; I think I'm going to remember this lesson I gave myself through life, hoping for it to be valuable.

I hope these thoughts are clear enough to be understood. Not doubting your intelligence. It's just that sometimes there are just too many things in my mind I can't really express properly.

Thank you always for listening. As I always say, I know you're there. I have to believe so.

«Peace, love, empathy.»

Dear Kurt,

There's something really astounding about the way people act when their weaknesses are exposed. Like the common place of a mask we use to protect ourselves,we live in a comfort zone - this place of ours where we are only what we feel good being.

It's part of the human nature, I guess, to feel uncomfortable exposing their worst abilities. Their vulnerable points. We can go through weeks acting as we are expected to, doing what we are good at, because it's what we repeatedly do or just because it comes from an inner talent. However, it's only when an unexpected situation comes out of nowhere and crosses our way that our true nature is revealed. Who we really are is not only what we constantly do, but mainly how we act when something out of our daily routine happens.

Believe me, interesting things can be observed in a person we know from everyday life, when they're out of their comfort zone, but more interesting I found to analyse our own reactions in moments like those. That's when we really get to know ourselves, what makes us weak, what fazes us... The impulsiveness, the fragility, the unsteadiness.

I think there's nothing wrong in conciliating both opposite poles: the strength and the weakness. I even consider that the beauty of human nature resides in having the potential to be whatever they want, to decide which side to feed and show, the originality of responses we can give in the same day to completely different situations. And to conciliate what the world requires us to be with how we feel.

Humans are both a beautiful and frightening energy of this world due to their complexity.

If only we could just use our weaknesses as ways to know ourselves better, maybe this could all be different. Maybe this could all be more acceptable.

«Peace, love, empathy.»

Dear Kurt,

I turned off the lights, entered the bathtub, and just sit there. The water scrolling down. Burning. What a contrast with my cold soul. I forced myself to cry. I needed to. I needed to cry it all out. But I couldn't. I can't even cry anymore. I know it's because it's too early and reality hasn't really hit me yet. When it happens, I can't even imagine how damaged I'll feel.

I was just there, staring the darkness, and I found myself singing random parts of your songs. I couldn't just stop. It was what was keeping me away from completely fall apart. I just couldn't do anything else but sing. Whatever it was, even if I couldn't think in another song to sing, I just kept repeating the sentence I was singing. I just couldn't stop singing.

It's all an illusion Kurt. This world. The brief moments of happiness. It's all an illusion. I can't imagine a way of leaving these feelings behind. It's been a long time since I was a stable person. I just can't feel like getting it back again. Stability. Balance.

Oh well, tears came. Finally. I need them. I just hope things won't seem this bad tomorrow. I just hope I can cope with this somehow.

I can't deal with this at this very moment. I'm falling apart. I don't know what else to be or do. I just wanted everything to stop.

Thank you always Kurt, for being my best listener. Thank you so much. Stay close please. I can't stand being like this without you.

«Peace, love, empathy.»