Dear Kurt, 

I turned off the lights, entered the bathtub, and just sit there. The water scrolling down. Burning. What a contrast with my cold soul. I forced myself to cry. I needed to. I needed to cry it all out. But I couldn't. I can't even cry anymore. I know it's because it's too early and reality hasn't really hit me yet. When it happens, I can't even imagine how damaged I'll feel. 

I was just there, staring the darkness, and I found myself singing random parts of your songs. I couldn't just stop. It was what was keeping me away from completely fall apart. I just couldn't do anything else but sing. Whatever it was, even if I couldn't think in another song to sing, I just kept repeating the sentence I was singing. I just couldn't stop singing.

It's all an illusion Kurt. This world. The brief moments of happiness. It's all an illusion. I can't imagine a way of leaving these feelings behind. It's been a long time since I was a stable person. I just can't feel like getting it back again. Stability. Balance.

Oh well, tears came. Finally. I need them. I just hope things won't seem this bad tomorrow. I just hope I can cope with this somehow.

I can't deal with this at this very moment. I'm falling apart. I don't know what else to be or do. I just wanted everything to stop.

Thank you always Kurt, for being my best listener. Thank you so much. Stay close please. I can't stand being like this without you.

«Peace, love, empathy.»