Dear Kurt,

Everyday there are airplanes leaving to different destinations - some of them, far away from here - and all I wanted was to escape. And, if for some people it may be a relief to think that there's the possibility to leave, to me, it makes me dive deeper to know I'm not old enough to get out. I just needed to go, to find some place I could stay, cleaning my soul, or, at least, avoiding my real life for a bit - living a complete new one. Even if for a limited time. It would be absolutely the best thing to me.

You know Kurt, sometimes I find myself freezing. My brain stops and I just stare at something for a while and it's like nothing else exists anymore. Because in that moment I feel like I'm nothing - I feel nothing. Is there any kind of treatment? Well, I know somethings could kill this pain... but, truth is, the same thing that can heal my scars is the same thing that intensifies them.

Some say we can't healthily love someone if we don't love ourselves. I do believe it's true. But, you know, it's difficult to love myself when I have attitudes that reveal I deeply need more self-respect, like desiring to be with him. I don't even love him. Because although I know him for three years, perhaps... the thing is I don't know him in the way you know a person you trust. And this is what scares me - losing control with a person of who I don't know much about. 

He just texted me asking me if I'm awake. Should I answer? No. Will I answer? My heart is racing and I'm so angry because this was not supposed to happen and I don't know what else to do with my life. He's destroying a part of me. He's destroying my self-esteem as he makes me think I can't have self-control or respect. 

Or maybe, and it's time to deal with the ugly truth, I am destroying myself by allowing this situation to continue. Answer? Yes or no? Well... I just did. Stupid me.

«Sooner or later, though, you always have to wake up.» Maybe when he cut all my ropes and let me fall, I'll understand. It's all my fault. I'm the one to blame. I'm the one who allows this. And I hate myself for this. And I just received another message and something inside me hoped it was him again... and it wasn't. Stupid. Stupid. Won't you ever learn?

«Peace, love, empathy.»