Dear Kurt, 

I felt desperate again today, and you know what it means when I get desperate - everything that has beauty and that is worth smiling suddenly disappears and all I think is about how miserable I am and how peaceful it would be to die, to feel nothing at all, not to exist, to belong to this universe, still, not suffering from its painful tricks. Was it what you felt? Was these kind of thoughts that made you commit suicide? To think that you could no longer hold on? I'm tired. Really tired. And I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want this pain, but it kind of seduces me and I can't resist to it. Because it may be terrifying to suffer, but it's deeply difficult to fight to have better.

I crave so deep to be at peace that I can't think of anything else as a solution. You know, to close my eyes and hear nothing, feel nothing, see nothing, touch nothing - be nothing. And in that moment, oh well, everything had ended and with it had gone all the pain. Why does this remind me a lot about how death would feel like? Isn't there any possibility to feel this peaceful on Earth, as a living being? Well, you see, this is why I think living is only worth it for the brave ones... They can still hold on for a day when things would be better, even knowing that day may never come. They keep themselves here. Them, their problems, their feelings, their rubbish jobs or relationships, their dreams that never came true. They keep themselves here, for one day may be their day. But, this is my problem - I've never been part of the brave ones.

«Peace, love, empathy.»